chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
