when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
bring money and cleavage
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
