so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
