I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
