I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize