I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
