I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
