I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
