Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
