walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
