Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize