chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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