i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
