Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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