Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Please don't give away my fajitas
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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