I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
