i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
