I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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