i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
