I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
