How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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