before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
