Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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