hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
