So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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