I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
