I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
