Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
