Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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