I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
