2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
