Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Randomize
