Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
