alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
