wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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