The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
