We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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