About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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