It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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