dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
another moral hangover. fuck.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
