I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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