I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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