I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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