good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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