I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
