I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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