I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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