When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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