I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
