I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
