I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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