An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
