Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
