we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize