sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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