If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
