We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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